It’d be easier to stay together.

This is tough and discouraging.

Making tough decisiosn is hard. Acting on tough decisions is even harder. This, dividing up your entire life, everything from the big furniture down to the dishes, pots and pans, even the broom, is ridiculously difficult.

Ever have moments where every small decision feels like a life-changing one? It feels so big and so important that even the mental capacity to do it is just too much to handle.

That is this. Right now.

Separating 13 years of stuff. Of course, it’s just stuff (that was his response often). But each holds monetary value (who would want to move out and spend the money on new pots and pans, dishes, cleaning stuff, etc.) and some type of memory. Either way, in order to be as fair as possible, things should be split evenly. But with all of this headache, all of these impossible decisions…

It’d be easier to stay together. 

It’d be easier to stay together. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about it. I may have even said it out loud a few times. If we’d stay together, we wouldn’t need to separate these things. We wouldn’t need to tell everyone we’re getting a divorce. We wouldn’t need to go through the legality of it all. We could just…. be together.

Unhappy. But together.

How much is our happiness worth? Is enduring a lot of pain now worth it… for happiness in the future?  Everyone who has gone through this has told me that it gets easier. Better. They become happier.

That’s not even the worse part. That’s not the part that keeps me up at night, keeps a lump in my throat, and tears in my eyes.
It’s the kids.

I’m their mom. It is my job to protect them, to teach them, keep them safe, and happy. But yet, I am making the decision to tear apart their family. Their house. The only home life they have.

This guilt is suffocating. This guilt and negative thoughts are what kept me around in an unhappy marriage for over 6 years.  

It’d be easier to stay together.

Or would it?

It’s not “easier” to wake up unhappy every single day. It’s not easier to want to go to work or anywhere – because I didn’t like my home life. It’s not easier to watch everyone else be in love and happy with their lives and in their marriages. It’s definitely not easier to think of the kind of life that I’m teaching my kids is ok to have.

It’s hard as hell now. But this is temporary – we will get through this. We are going through this hell for a life I want to live. A love I can’t wait to experience. And most of all, a life that I want my kids to aspire to. One full of happiness, love, and laughter.