The one to start them all

Well, here we go. I have debated writing a blog for over a month. I have always enjoyed writing. Any writing: educational, personal, professional, etc. Mostly, I enjoy writing on a personal level to “speak” what I may not want to say in person. I write the most during pivotal moments in my life. Heartbreaks, promotions, It became evident when I was 18 and going through my first heartbreak (teenage heartbreak is rough). I wrote about 18 poems during that time; 2 of which were published.

The idea of this blog began when I sent 2 of my friends a small snippet – seen below – of what I was thinking at 3 in the morning (that’s when I do my best thinking). They encouraged me to blog. Surely what I’m thinking, feeling, and writing about others can relate to.

I thought when you got married it meant forever.
It meant you’d always have someone there for you. To hold you. To love you. To protect you. To support you.
I’ll always have a kiss on New Years Eve. I’ll always have a Valentine. I’ll always have someone to be with at night.

10 years later I find myself heading toward a divorce. I’ll be alone. No one to hold me. No one to love me. No one will protect me. I have to find a way to be ok on my own… with 3 kids.

I’m so incredibly terrified. What if I’m making a wrong decision? What if this means I’ll be alone for the rest of my life? What if I’ll never fall in love again?

I find myself wanting to find someone to secure those spots before we are even living apart. “Oh, I can have a relationship with him. He’d be a good stepdad. He could probably keep the house clean. He has a good job. Etc. etc. etc.”

Apparently I still need the validation I needed when I was 20 and “needed” a boyfriend. (I’ll touch on that later). Perhaps the same validation that led me to the situation I’m in.

So, that’s the snippet that started this whole thing. It has now been over a month since I sent them that so some of the thoughts have subsided. I’ll surely dissect more into all of that and so much more as my blog posts continue. There will be discussions on the process of separating and divorce, co-parenting, and whatever else happens in my world. Stay tuned.