10 Tips for a Long and Happy Marriage… as told by a divorcee.
Yes, I know. You’re rolling your eyes and slamming your fists wondering why in the h-e- double hockey sticks should you believe what a divorcee has to say about a long and happy marriage. Well, unclench your fists and I’ll tell you.
Hindsight is 20/20, right? We can all look back on an event or time in our lives and see what we did wrong or how we wish we acted differently.
Looking back on my 10 years of marriage, I know exactly what happened. It wasn’t one thing. It was many. Many “small” things that may not have seemed important but in hindsight are MONUMENTAL in how my marriage fizzled.
So, I present to you the 10 ways to have a long and happy marriage. Presented in no particular order.
- Date your spouse
Yes, I know you know this. It’s written everywhere. And when you have time, you’ll do it. Or maybe next week after payday. Nope. No. NO. Do. it. now. Make the time. It can be something that is inexpensive such as a walk and a picnic. Take your kids to the park; let them go play and you two can enjoy your favorite beverages while watching them play. Just spend time with each other. This brings me to #2. - Put your phone down. Get off of your computer.
Life is busy. If you both work, it’s busier. If you both work and have kids life is downright hectic! Chances are the time you two spend together is minimal. Which makes it that much more precious. There is nothing worse than spending the very little time you have together… and one can’t look up from the computer or phone. Put it down. Facebook and Tik Tok will be there in a couple of hours. I promise. - Communicate
You knew this one was coming. It’s another one that is on every list. I can not express this enough. Talk to each other. The thing with communicating is that both partners need to actually talk and listen. Listen to what the other person is saying and how he/she is saying it. I have always been a very good communicator. I don’t BS. I always know how I feel and why and I will say it. My ex will agree with this 100%. Unfortunately for my failed marriage, he was not. He will also admit to this. It was the summer of 2013 when I told my husband that I was not happy. I literally said the words “I am not happy in this marriage”. I asked for the separation in October 2018 because nothing changed and I still was not happy. - When your partner is upset – pay attention.
If it’s something that seems trivial such as a lot of traffic on the way home from work. Or something massive such as feeling lonely or unhappy in the marriage. Be there. Be present. Talk to him/her. Listen. Do not dismiss his/her feelings for any reason. Just because you may not understand them doesn’t mean they are invalid. Let him/her cry or yell on your shoulder. Be his/her partner. - Be a partner.
A partner means 50/50. Sharing tasks. Adulting is hard. Adulting with a job and kids is ridiculous. I assume many people have the same mindset on their wedding day that I did: they were going to have a partner in life. Every aspect of life. The big decisions (jobs, money, kids, writing a will, etc), the small ones (what’s for dinner?), and every decision in between. You’ll now have a partner. It’s a really nice and comforting feeling. I loved that feeling. Until I didn’t have a partner. I was making all the decisions; big and small, by myself. I was handling all finances. He didn’t have an opinion about anything. I chose what car we bought, I chose where we lived, I chose what sports to sign the kids up for. I chose it all. He may have viewed it as he was being easy-going; I saw it as disengaged and uninvolved. You can’t be uninvolved in a marriage. Well, not a successful one. Be involved. Be present. Be a partner. - Kiss, hug, have sex.
Touch, flirt, f*ck, and make love. Can I write that? I hope so because I did. And it’s important. At one point I remember thinking that it had been over a week since we kissed. Kissed. Kissing seems so customary. It is… until it’s not. Time can pass without even acknowledging what is missing. Days are short and can go by very quickly. Make it a point to kiss your partner every day. Rub their back, grab their butt, make the physical connection every single day. Hold their hand in the car. We didn’t and after a while, I felt like we were roommates. We both contributed to bills. On most days we watched TV and ate dinner together. We were raising the little people in the house together, but that was it. - Apologize
We all make mistakes. Not everyone owns up to them. Take ownership of your actions and your mistakes. Own your mistake, apologize for it, make a plan to change it, move on. A genuine “I’m sorry” can go a long way. Why am I including this? Because it’s important. I have found that some people feel “I’m sorry” is unnecessary. It’s the opposite. It’s so important. “But he/she should have known that I was sorry.” Nope. Say the friggin words.
But what is even more important? Whatever you just apologized for… don’t. do. again. It means absolutely nothing for you to offer a sincere apology… but then repeat the same “mistake”. Your apology didn’t mean a thing. It was a lie. Lying creates another whole set of issues. When your spouse is upset and you ignore it – you’re dismissing his/her feelings. When your spouse is upset – you say you’re sorry but then repeat it – you’re ignoring his/her wants/needs. When your spouse is upset and you apologize, show remorse, and then change your behavior – you’re validating his/her feelings and showing him/her how he/she feels and what he/she wants and needs matter to you. It’s important to you. Because he/she is important to you. - Your Spouse is Your #1
This one is a tough one for me, you can probably guess why. Your spouse should be the most important person to you. Full Stop.
Your spouse is the person that you support, the one you’re there to listen to, to challenge, to grow with, etc. Of course, we all have people outside of our relationships that we confide in, and that is very important as well. However, when you start speaking and therefore listening to others more than your spouse, it causes a snowballing issue and therefore giving others more of a say in your relationship or your life than your spouse. This includes parents, siblings, exes, friends, etc. I am a firm believer that you should always support and have your spouses back, ESPECIALLY when others are speaking negatively about him/her. When you don’t support or defend him/her – essentially you are agreeing with whatever is being said. There is nothing that makes a spouse feel more unloved or hurt than knowing their spouse has betrayed him/her. It really does come down to respect. Respect for each other and for your relationship. - Aim for the marriage you want your child to have
This is a big one for me. We know that our children learn from what they see. It was the realization that I didn’t want my kids to think our marriage was normal, that made me walk away. While we didn’t fight, we also weren’t in love. I want them to know marriage is supposed to be about support, respect, kisses, fun, laughing, and love. I want only that and more for them, nothing less. Then I had to show them that – but not accepting anything less. - Grow separately and together
Learn new things, visit new places, try new food, meet new people. Do these things together and separately. Remember that you are each your own person with your own likes and dislikes. You have your own friends. Your own hobbies. Do them. Visit friends. Learn more about yourself. But then go home, and share those experiences and adventures with your spouse. We are always growing as people. While in a marriage, it is important to keep the connection so you’re not growing apart.